awaketomysoul

What I Want

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This journal entry means a lot to me. I saw this quote somewhere last year and wanted to remember it. The difference between this time and last time is that I’ve seen the product. I re-read this journal entry as a challenge or “words to live by” for myself over that last year. Soon after I wrote this in my journal, i started seeing my life, my teaching, my confidence, and my relationships shift.So i’ll ask you... how different would your life be if you actually went after what you wanted? God is good, y’all. happy monday!

Happy Birthday To ME! 🎈

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Today I celebrate ME! The birth of Me! The person I have grown to be! The person I will become! The mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, employee; I am! I celebrate Me today!


I am grateful to God for the gift of this life. I know that I am blessed to be here on this Earth in this body and this life.


So...

Happy birthday to Me! I wish myself many more years of joy, love, laughter, health and prosperity. I wish myself strength and wisdom for days to come and success with everything I do today, and tomorrow! I can't wait to see what this year brings!


Photo Credit~ Thomas Sawyer   

Year Three: HONESTY

It’s been a little over two years since my stroke.

POST STROKE YEAR ONE: Total denial

I wanted my story to be: Yes, I had a stroke at age 39, but it didn’t effect me. I’m still strong and can do even more than before. 🤯

Total denial.

 

YEAR TWO: Facing my external reality.

MY family and friend’s PTSD. I had to acknowledge the fear my family faces anytime I don’t feel well, have a headache or I over exhaust myself. The fear my family faces everytime I travel alone. The fear of another stroke.

 

YEAR THREE

I have figured out that this will be the year of honesty. Honesty about the situation. Honesty that if I don’t set my GPS when traveling to my destination, even a familiar distination in the city I was born, I can get lost or forget where I was suppose to be. Yes it happens all the time. I have been lost one mile from my house. The houses and streets look familiar but I can’t figure out where I am.

Honesty to my co-workers that I can’t remember how to work the heat in the yoga studios even though they have shown it to me MANY TIMES. (Thanks Meghan Velotta and Scott Supler 😘). My children have worked for the last two years to help me hide what I can’t remember. I don’t remember their friend’s name or teachers names. They even know that they have to remember where I parked, because we have walked around cold parking lots for quite a while to find the car. My oldest will whisper names to me because he knows I have no idea.

Here’s the best part.... I have learned no one thinks I’m stupid and have only been so loving and comforting. My co-workers treat me like everyone else. I might just have to more set alarms to remind me. Thanks mom for the echo dots all over my house! 😘And lastly Ive learned it takes strength to ask for help when you need it and so I’m WAY stronger then I ever thought. ✨😘

#playingsmallisnolongeranoption #awaketomysoul #survivingastroke #lazyeye

Lazy Eye


From a young age I have always had a lazy eye. Most people would only notice it when I was tired. But since the stroke two years ago it’s always there. I can sleep for two straight weeks and it will still be there when I wake.

So heading into every photoshoot I have to have the same conversation with the photographer. I tell them that I have a lazy eye and you mostly see it in photos. They say “no you don’t.” And I say, just wait and you will see it. They snap a few pics and take a look.

“OH you’re right, you do.” they say.

Then the projects begins where we do our best to hide it or take pics with my eyes closed or get me only from a side angle. Frankly it’s a complete cluster f$ck.

So when I met with the talented @tomcsawyer and gave him my lazy eye talk, he responded with....

“I think we should show it.”

I gave him a confused look. Show it?? What?? 🤔I said.

He repeated himself. “Yes , show it. It’s YOU! And Ylonda, it’s not as bad as you think. I promise.” And so for the first time I looked straight into the camera and the camera saw me. It saw my Soul. Yes the lazy eye is there (my right eye to be exact) but it no longer looked as bad as it did in the past. It was the first time that I accepted it to be a part of me. A beautiful part of me. In fact, one of my friends told me that it looked like I was winking 😉 LOL!

Thank You  @tomcsawyer. I am so very thankful.

 

#lazyeye #loveallofyou #awaketomysoul

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THE WALL

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I BUILT A WALL


I was not planning on it. I have never been a particularly good builder to be honest. I was the child whose blocks always fell down, whose fort crumbled to the ground. I had no intention of adding this to my resume.


But I did....


Brick by brick I began to build. Bricks of words spoken to me. Of doubts. Of memories. Of fears. Of failures. Of pain. One after another, I kept compiling and stacking them. Longer, stronger and higher the wall became. It was only when I woke up one day in the hospital that I noticed what I had constructed. Only then did I see what my mind was busy at work creating while my heart ached .


I had confined myself. Playing small, hiding behind others, using the doubts, fears, pain. A future once so visible I could no longer see.


The worst part was, I knew what was on the other side. I memorized that scenery. I was captivated by its colors. I was drawn to its light.


CONFINED BEHIND THE WALL.


There was nothing left on this side of the wall for me to see, for me to know, for me to explore. The work began to deconstruct my thoughts about myself, my fears and doubts, to deconstruct the wall. I got busy figuring out what were the “stories” i created in my head and what was TRUTH.

If something or someone gave me the feeling that I wasn’t worthy, I dropped it or them.

Was it hard? HELL YES

Was it necessary? HELL YES

With those things removed it created an opening to escape. To breathe in new air. To hear a new voice. To live a lifelong dream. To be whole.


To be free...


THE WALL CRUMBLED.

E X P A N D I N G

 

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I had a dream last night where my hands grew 5 times their normal size! They were growing & stretching so much that I couldn’t see my nail beds! I was totally freaking out and thinking “What the hell is happening to me?” Then my mentor (@officialkukharrell ) showed up, looked at my hands, nodded in agreement and said, “You are expanding. Expanding your ability to hold and do more in your life.”

😱💥

What a wake up call.

I have grown so much in the last year that I get scared and tell myself that I’m not ready.

Then my heart tells my head-

If not now then when?

It’s right now.

It’s NOT when my head catches up to my heart. It’s now.

✨✨✨✨✨

How many of us shrink, stop or self-sabotage moving forward right when we are expanding beyond our ability to see the full picture?

Right when our hands are going to touch the sky and do something BIG?

YES, letting go in this way is nerve wracking and scary. But letting go to make room for BIGGER things is asked of everyone who want to serve in a BIG way. ❤️

 

One Day

One day it just clicks...You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think of you, and more about what you think about yourself. You realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you’d never recover. And then you SMILE. You smile because you are so proud of yourself and the person you fought to become.❤️

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Your message is powerful

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I have this belief that one article, one social media post, one video or blog can change the direction of someone’s life.

It makes me think about what I choose to post.

I ask myself:

Is what I am sharing adding more love or more division?

If it was cool to read your mother’s feed-Is this something I would feel proud if my children saw or read?

If you are on social media it doesn’t matter if you have 1 follower or 1 million, you still have a platform that can help influence this world.

The words you chose today {or spoke} were heard by someone.

Someone scrolling through their feed saw what you had to say and it was implanted in their consciousness.

So if you ever for a hot second think your message doesn’t have power, there is at least 1 person who read and thought about what you said today.

Your words. Your posts. Are powerful. Your message (whatever it is: positive or negative) is powerful. We each can change the trajectory of someone’s life. HOW INCREDIBLE IS THAT? Your message is powerful.

DREAM BIG

When the Brown Bears were away for six weeks of camp this summer, I decided to surprise them and redo their rooms.

A TEENAGERS DREAM ROOM.

Loft beds, desks, new bedding. I also decided to give them each a chalk board wall and I committed to putting something positive on the board above their bed each month, so it was the first thing they saw each morning.

All of our children have the ability to have a beautiful impact on the world. It may be through art, music, words, legislation or science. They just need to be reminded.

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The Story

I have mentioned in my writings and in my classes that I suffered a life changing event 18 months ago that changed my whole life.

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Last night in my YINyasa class was the first time that I shared publicly what actually happened that day. It was the first time in a long time that my voice shook, my hands sweat and I held back tears because I had to acknowledge that I was helpless in those moments.

To tell the story, I had to relive that day . I had to admit that the life I was living was literally sucking the life out of me. My job was disempowering and stressful. The friendships I was involved in was stealing my spirit. That I had no sense of who I was or sense of boundaries.

I had to remember the panic in my husband's face as he called 911 crying while explaining to our 3 children not to panic. He explained to them that the paramedics would arrive with sirens and enter our house to help me. And I had to remember how still they stood so brave as help arrived.

 

I described the panic I felt when I knew something was wrong and could not speak and finally when I woke up 24 hours later in the ICU and was told at the age of 39 I suffered a stroke, that I was "lucky".

My point: Don't wait to live out your dream. Don't wait until you have achieved that "perfect" life to start living what you KNOW is your purpose. Don't wait to be told you are "lucky" to start. Don't wait until you have a certain amount of money in your account or lose a certain amount of weight.

The prayer: Now is the time.

I've used this prayer many times but this time everyone knew where it came from and why. That I didn't just hear it from someone and repeat it. That I live that prayer EVERY damn day.

 

Thank you to Tami Schneider and Cleveland Yoga who provided a sacred place for me to teach and create. I'm grateful.