Self Care

What I Want

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This journal entry means a lot to me. I saw this quote somewhere last year and wanted to remember it. The difference between this time and last time is that I’ve seen the product. I re-read this journal entry as a challenge or “words to live by” for myself over that last year. Soon after I wrote this in my journal, i started seeing my life, my teaching, my confidence, and my relationships shift.So i’ll ask you... how different would your life be if you actually went after what you wanted? God is good, y’all. happy monday!

THE WALL

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I BUILT A WALL


I was not planning on it. I have never been a particularly good builder to be honest. I was the child whose blocks always fell down, whose fort crumbled to the ground. I had no intention of adding this to my resume.


But I did....


Brick by brick I began to build. Bricks of words spoken to me. Of doubts. Of memories. Of fears. Of failures. Of pain. One after another, I kept compiling and stacking them. Longer, stronger and higher the wall became. It was only when I woke up one day in the hospital that I noticed what I had constructed. Only then did I see what my mind was busy at work creating while my heart ached .


I had confined myself. Playing small, hiding behind others, using the doubts, fears, pain. A future once so visible I could no longer see.


The worst part was, I knew what was on the other side. I memorized that scenery. I was captivated by its colors. I was drawn to its light.


CONFINED BEHIND THE WALL.


There was nothing left on this side of the wall for me to see, for me to know, for me to explore. The work began to deconstruct my thoughts about myself, my fears and doubts, to deconstruct the wall. I got busy figuring out what were the “stories” i created in my head and what was TRUTH.

If something or someone gave me the feeling that I wasn’t worthy, I dropped it or them.

Was it hard? HELL YES

Was it necessary? HELL YES

With those things removed it created an opening to escape. To breathe in new air. To hear a new voice. To live a lifelong dream. To be whole.


To be free...


THE WALL CRUMBLED.

The birth of our family

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Dear Lee,

On this night 15 years ago, I knew life would change forever.

You were our first born child. With your birth, our family would be born.  Until that moment your father & I couldn’t understand how much we could love another human being.

You are the only one who has been with us since the beginning of our family, & sometimes I look at you and am overcome by the journey we’ve been walking together.Your first cry captured our hearts & you have continued to amaze us ever since. We have watched in awe as you have grown. Your first word, step, sleepover, dance, first girlfriend. Each & every first was done by you. Our hearts have expanded more than we ever thought possible. You’ve watched me grow & learn. Though I am your mother, in many ways, we’ve grown & learned together.

 

With each step into your future, you will grow stronger & learn more. You’ve already picked up your own shield and prepared your own armor.

PLEASE KNOW:

-I wanted you. Not a baby, not a son, YOU. You’re exactly what I hoped for.

-I don’t really care what you do when you grow up. As long as you are happy & safe.

-I am proud to call you my son. Not only because I love you, but because I trust you enough, even right now at 15, to become the kind of person I can be proud to know.

-You can change the world. People will try to discourage you, you may even try to discourage yourself, but you can & I know you will.

-I believe in you. I know you’re going to read this & then leave it lying on your bed when you go to school. It will probably fall behind your bed and disappear into the oblivion of your dirty room. When you pack up in a few years to go off to college you’ll probably find it, and read it, and remember that I believed in you when you were 15, just like I did when you were 5, just like when you were 5 months, just like I will until the day I die, & even after that too.

 

Thank you for being my son, for helping me and your father start our family and for walking out this journey with the five of us. I’m in awe of this life we are living together and humbled by what you bring to it. Thank you, for your endless honesty, spirit & old soul.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAR 🐻 

Love you forever & always

RISK IT

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Evelyn, my brave, beautiful and introverted daughter has played the violin for about two years. She struggles with shyness/being heard though her words. So when she chose to play the violin. My husband and I felt that maybe she would feel more comfortable being heard through music. This too has been a struggle.

 

Recently she came to me and asked if she could start with a brand new teacher.  I was surprised. This was out of her "comfort zone" but I was completely willing to fulfill her request.  She has never really asked for anything so  I knew this was important to her.  When I asked her the reason she said, "I want to start again. I want to take a chance on something new."

"HELL YES!" I replied to her! (Yes... on occasion I curse in front of my children).

And so I arranged for her to start with another teacher, Liza Grossman.

I have known Liza since I was 9 years old and she 19. She was my first orchestra director. We have watched each other grow up and develop careers out of our passions. So I asked and she agreed.

The universe works in amazing ways. Last night in her lesson, Evelyn of course very shy, spoke softly and made no eye contact. But whenever Liza spoke, she would lock eyes with Evelyn and speak directly to Evelyn's eyes about what she needed to do with her body to get a bigger sound out of her violin.

Evelyn has a lot to say to the world through her violin so she needed a bigger sound.  As Evelyn would play her piece, Liza kept saying the words "Risk it Evelyn!" Meaning... play loud, be bold, be heard even if you squeak or mess up.

Risk it.

I watched as my daughter's whole demeanor changed.  She stood straight and confident and was willing for the first time to be heard loudly even if she messed up.  She left that lesson a new person.  She had words for what she was doing in her life.

RISK IT.

I could tell she was proud of herself and so was I, for a few reasons.  She knew what she needed all by herself. She didn't need to ask her friends or me what we thought. This was her idea not mine. She did what was best for her.

She RISKED it.

She risked me saying no.

She risked trying a new teacher out of her comfort zone.

This little one is determined to not let fear run her life. It's INSPIRING

The Story

I have mentioned in my writings and in my classes that I suffered a life changing event 18 months ago that changed my whole life.

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Last night in my YINyasa class was the first time that I shared publicly what actually happened that day. It was the first time in a long time that my voice shook, my hands sweat and I held back tears because I had to acknowledge that I was helpless in those moments.

To tell the story, I had to relive that day . I had to admit that the life I was living was literally sucking the life out of me. My job was disempowering and stressful. The friendships I was involved in was stealing my spirit. That I had no sense of who I was or sense of boundaries.

I had to remember the panic in my husband's face as he called 911 crying while explaining to our 3 children not to panic. He explained to them that the paramedics would arrive with sirens and enter our house to help me. And I had to remember how still they stood so brave as help arrived.

 

I described the panic I felt when I knew something was wrong and could not speak and finally when I woke up 24 hours later in the ICU and was told at the age of 39 I suffered a stroke, that I was "lucky".

My point: Don't wait to live out your dream. Don't wait until you have achieved that "perfect" life to start living what you KNOW is your purpose. Don't wait to be told you are "lucky" to start. Don't wait until you have a certain amount of money in your account or lose a certain amount of weight.

The prayer: Now is the time.

I've used this prayer many times but this time everyone knew where it came from and why. That I didn't just hear it from someone and repeat it. That I live that prayer EVERY damn day.

 

Thank you to Tami Schneider and Cleveland Yoga who provided a sacred place for me to teach and create. I'm grateful.

Living in the present.

JOURNAL ENTRY

Date: March 4, 2016


That horrible situation is behind you that you are contemplating running back to; that situation that keeps you up at night, that consumes all your thoughts, that has you questioning who you are and inserting doubt that you are worthy to be that person, that keeps reopening wounds begging to be healed. It is time to let that thing go.


I know you may believe the pull to go back is stronger than your push to move forward, but that is only because you forget YOU hold the tremendous power to choose every minute, to put one foot in front of the other and keep your eyes steady before you. You already have everything you need to release your grasp on the past.  You are not a prisoner to your old life or your old self.  You are not unworthy to be free.

Trust there is a reason it is behind you. You may not see the purpose now, and that maybe why you want to answer the call of the past, but you can be assured that  if you keep moving forward it will be revealed. You will be living in a future beautifully created by your decision to remain in the present.

Love,

Me

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Free of Shackles

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If you are waiting to live life and freedom until it looks perfect I'm going to have to burst your bubble and tell you that you will be waiting for the rest of your life.

It's a messy hair. Laughing so hard you cry. Singing loudly in your car.  Scraped knees. Bumps and bruises.  Exposed scars. Coloring outside the lines. Mistakes made. Stitched up, Band-Aid covered heart. Being misunderstood. It is a beautiful mix of happy and sad. The hurting and healing. It looks like a life lived. And it looks like what many considered "flawed". But in truth you are never going to find more perfection in imperfection than you will in a life free of the shackles.

 

Photo Credit: Angela Fach Photography

Laughter

Laughter.

It is healing.  It is restoring. It is an escape. It is a release. It is my favorite expression and sound- knowing that beautiful noise is being released because this body can not contain the joy flowing through it.  It is my favorite sign that I am alive.  That I am becoming free.  That I am going to be okay. .

In that moment of laugher, I know I am the furthest away from the things that hurt me.  I am in a world where love is abundant, happiness is overflowing, and everything that once seemed impossible is possible. .

I have always dreamed of a life where I laugh as much as I breathe.  Where I never stop chasing after what makes my soul dance.  Where I allow joy to beautifully redeem every sorrow of my past.  I have to say: I am living the life of my dreams.


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It's always your choice.

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Looking through old journals and found this message I wrote to myself last year before i quit a job in which I could no longer grow. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

You only have this life to try to find out what it means to be alive in this body. Don't waste a second of it holding on to what no longer fits or trying to be a copy of what already exists. Stop calling the tight space of your comfort zone, your home. There's more to life than the four walls you have trapped yourself in defining what you do. Go out and discover what this huge world has to offer. Stop calling the cookie cutter image you have modeled yourself into, who you are. Break free from all you think you're "supposed" to be and create what you want to be. Give the World the privilege of meeting someone they have yet to see.

It is your choice what you do with your time on earth. You could be alive OR simply exist. You can live as you OR live never meeting who you were meant to be.

It's always a choice.

So choose wisely. Choose passionately. Choose authentically.

 

 

 

I'm not that kind of mom.

I’m not that kind of mom……

I am not the kind of mom that hovers over her kids. 

I am not the kind of mom that knows every name of her kid’s friends and their parent’s names.

I am not the kind of mom that joins the PTA or volunteers to be the field trip chaperone. 

I am not the kind of mom that cries on their first day of school.

And sometimes, I feel bad that I’m not that kind of mom. 

The truth is..

I’m the kind of mom that loves to spend time with my kids but I also celebrate and dance when they leave for 6 six weeks of sleep away camp. 

I’m the kind of mom that every friday eats pizza (sometime McDonalds) with the kids while we watch our favorite show Black-ish together.

But today everything shifted.

I got this letter from my youngest at my last Muffins with Moms Day.

It told me that it was ok to be the mom I am, and not the mom I thought I SHOULD be.

That I’m doing ok.

Thank you Patrick. 

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