Music

What I Want

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This journal entry means a lot to me. I saw this quote somewhere last year and wanted to remember it. The difference between this time and last time is that I’ve seen the product. I re-read this journal entry as a challenge or “words to live by” for myself over that last year. Soon after I wrote this in my journal, i started seeing my life, my teaching, my confidence, and my relationships shift.So i’ll ask you... how different would your life be if you actually went after what you wanted? God is good, y’all. happy monday!

TRACEY’S CELLO

Last year I met a man, Peter Horn who was a violin maker. My children's school rents all their string instruments from him. I made the call to rent instruments for the kids. The first time we met, Peter told me that he lost his wife-the love of his life suddenly only six months prior. He showed me her picture and a picture of their two 16 yr. old twin boys. He also spoke about his daughter who has stepped into the family business to help since her mother's death and become a second mother to her brothers. He spoke of his entire family each time I saw him and how they were grieving deeply. 

It was clear to me that his family was full of love.

THEN

Sunday a student, introduced herself after class. She looked so familiar to me but I wasn't sure where I knew her. She told me that we had someone in common. Peter Horn was her father. I quickly realized her face was familiar because she looked EXACTLY like her mother from the pictures I saw. She told me that she followed me on IG, and knew I was a cellist and that I had a stroke two years ago. 

THEN she shared with me that her mother, Tracey was also a cellist and died suddenly of a stroke. We exchanged emails and phone numbers and continued to talk when she sent me these text messages in the pics below.

I have cried all week as I celebrated my 42nd birthday. Grateful to still be alive knowing that my life could have ended just as suddenly and tragically as Tracey's. I was lucky to still have the ability to tell my husband and children that I love them. •

I once asked someone the key to healing.

“You live,” this person said.

And that was it. No elaboration. No explanation of why. No telling me what that meant.

I didn’t understand it. I didn’t question it. I simply tucked it away. UNTIL NOW...I was walking out their meaning. I was becoming their definition. If I wanted the explanation, all I needed to do in that moment was look in the mirror. 

So I will play Tracey Rieman-Horn's cello and live for the both of us. I hope to help keep her love and memory alive. 

So much love to her family for trusting me with this beautiful gift.

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THE WALL

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I BUILT A WALL


I was not planning on it. I have never been a particularly good builder to be honest. I was the child whose blocks always fell down, whose fort crumbled to the ground. I had no intention of adding this to my resume.


But I did....


Brick by brick I began to build. Bricks of words spoken to me. Of doubts. Of memories. Of fears. Of failures. Of pain. One after another, I kept compiling and stacking them. Longer, stronger and higher the wall became. It was only when I woke up one day in the hospital that I noticed what I had constructed. Only then did I see what my mind was busy at work creating while my heart ached .


I had confined myself. Playing small, hiding behind others, using the doubts, fears, pain. A future once so visible I could no longer see.


The worst part was, I knew what was on the other side. I memorized that scenery. I was captivated by its colors. I was drawn to its light.


CONFINED BEHIND THE WALL.


There was nothing left on this side of the wall for me to see, for me to know, for me to explore. The work began to deconstruct my thoughts about myself, my fears and doubts, to deconstruct the wall. I got busy figuring out what were the “stories” i created in my head and what was TRUTH.

If something or someone gave me the feeling that I wasn’t worthy, I dropped it or them.

Was it hard? HELL YES

Was it necessary? HELL YES

With those things removed it created an opening to escape. To breathe in new air. To hear a new voice. To live a lifelong dream. To be whole.


To be free...


THE WALL CRUMBLED.

It's always your choice.

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Looking through old journals and found this message I wrote to myself last year before i quit a job in which I could no longer grow. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

You only have this life to try to find out what it means to be alive in this body. Don't waste a second of it holding on to what no longer fits or trying to be a copy of what already exists. Stop calling the tight space of your comfort zone, your home. There's more to life than the four walls you have trapped yourself in defining what you do. Go out and discover what this huge world has to offer. Stop calling the cookie cutter image you have modeled yourself into, who you are. Break free from all you think you're "supposed" to be and create what you want to be. Give the World the privilege of meeting someone they have yet to see.

It is your choice what you do with your time on earth. You could be alive OR simply exist. You can live as you OR live never meeting who you were meant to be.

It's always a choice.

So choose wisely. Choose passionately. Choose authentically.

 

 

 

I N S P I R A T I O N

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You know who inspires me? People who stretch themselves beyond the limits of their fears and show up anyways. People who are open, vulnerable and know that sharing the truth is going to help others become more comfortable with sharing their's. Those are the people who touch my soul and they help me in so many ways because of their humanity.

 

Thank you to the people who inspire me everyday to get up and NOT sit, walk or run toward my dream but to FLY toward my dreams.

 


Pieces and Parts

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In life, we experience so much fragmentation of thought and feeling. For me, creating music brings things back together.

In my own work, that is true throughout the process. It starts with developing the parts and pieces: melody, rhythms which is deeply reflective and informative. Later, bringing them together into a form— shaping, creating a context, working to something that feels cohesive and complete is incredibly powerful. My work is like a catalog of the events and thoughts of my life. For me, composing and playing is almost like keeping a journal. My art. My self expression. 

BROWN SKIN

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This morning after dropping my kids off at school, I stopped at a gas station to put air in my tire.  As I pulled into the gas station parking lot I noticed that there were lines of cars waiting at each gas pump. To my excitement there was an open space right in front air pump.  GREAT! I pulled in.  As I got out of my car to start the air pump, a white man pulled up next to me and told me that he was there first and was waiting for that spot.  I immediately apologized and explained that I thought he was waiting for gas.  He then yelled out “ You F*CKING ELITIST N#GGER. YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT?” I was stunned and frozen for a second and then just calmly walked to my car, backed out and drove away.

As I drove away I saw another white man yelling at him that he should be ashamed of himself.

I had a few thoughts as I drove away. The first one was that I was disappointed with myself. I just drove away.  I let him intimidate me.

Secondly I felt sadness that I now need to prepare my children to see these types of things.

Lastly I felt gratitude.  Gratitude for the white gentleman that stuck up for me.

I still believe in this country.  I won’t let a few angry people change my mind.


What scares you helps you grow

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The choices that have scared me the most are the ones that helped me grow the most. All of them entailed a choice to leave- Leaving a job, closing my business, leaving a close friendship, leaving my beautiful & loving mentor, so I could pioneer my own path. We evolve through loss. Each time, there were months or years of resistance to what I knew I had to do, in order to grab something more for myself, to crack myself open to even more of who I really am. But on the other side of letting go to the things I clung to for comfort and safety, was awakenings to abundance in my life that leave me in awe. I see that I am worthy and stronger than I once believed possible.What the ego fears, the soul craves. What the ego resists, the soul needs. Have the courage to listen to your soul’s calls whether they are whispers or wake up calls to be who you are meant to be. Remember what scares you helps you grow.