It's been almost nine months since I have had contact with an abusive person that was in my life. Although my life now is full of amazing and supportive husband,family and friends, I become clearer each day. Even though I don't see or communicate with this person it still effects my current relationships, decisions, emotions and reactions everyday.
As a yoga teacher, people think that we have all our crap figured out. Let me break it to you. We don't or least I don't. When I teach my classes, in reality I am saying what I need to hear & TRY to live. Some days I rock and others, not so much.
Yes I can say I am a yoga teacher that lived and stayed in a three year friendship with someone who told me: what to say, that I was a loser, how to speak, would publicly shame me, where I should spend my day, what I should wear and who was acceptable to spend my time with (which most of the time was only her).
I listened and obeyed.
I did my best to keep it a secret from my husband, parents and friends.
I believed the words that were said were true.
I trusted this person.
I adored and loved this person.
I looked up to them.
I was living based in nothing but fears and insecurities.
I handed my power over.
YES YES and YES
Now the aftermath.
I have hypersensitivity and over reaction to small things.
Any sign of aggression sends me running.
I cry everyday for the old me that thought this was ok.
I cry everyday for the new me that has a long road to fully recover.
I cry everyday for the person that committed the abuse.
I have moments of full rage and hate toward this person.
I have a sensitivity with being told what I "should"do. It pushes my buttons.
I struggle with trusting hearing and excepting other's feedback.
I have a fear of someone trying to control me.
YES YES and YES
But here is MY truth. I am not perfect. I am not enlightened. I fuck up a lot! But I try everyday. When I speak in my classes I am not just saying words I heard from someone else. I am saying words based on MY experiences. The prayers I offer are not just for you but for me too.
No more shame. That's my truth.